AOL published this scary post to their Lifestyle section last month:Â 
Oh My God. Yet another food that is going to kill us. Because we’ve been doing it all wrong!
Instead of merely cooking rice, they propose we go through a multi-step process to wash away all the deadly arsenic that shows up naturally in the rice. Once the final rinse is done, a product that is pretty flavorless in the first place is guaranteed to be something no one would enjoy eating. And what about all those vitamins the rice is fortified with? They’re washed away, too, so you’re left with tiny bits of nothing that have no nutritional value. Tasty.
Practically everything a human can consume has been touted as dangerous. In fact, the perfectly lovely chocolate, which never harmed me a day in my life, is not only dangerous, but according to Stephanie Relfe B.Sc. (Sydney), in her post, The Great Dangers of Chocolate, it could keep me from ever having a loving relationship. In other words, stop eating chocolate right now, or you will die alone.
- Foods I consume that have been labeled as dangerous or deadly include:
Rice. Not so good on its own, but a great vehicle for other lovely and delicious things, like Kung Pao.
- Butter. Butter on toast, on baked potatoes, on other things that are just darned better with butter, like eggs, which could also kill me.
- Cake. Especially chocolate cake. Yummmmmmmmmmmm Chocolate.
- Pasta. Spaghetti, macaroni and cheese. With parmesan cheese on top.
- Cheese. Havarti, cheddar, mozzarella, mascarpone, brie, sliced, shredded, big hunks and perfectly square cubes.
- Pizza. Artisan pizza with lots of cheese, Red Baron, home made, stuff from the guy around the corner. Pizza is life.
- Cookies. Chewy circles and squares of goodness with chocolate chips, soft puffy clouds of vanilla, lemon bars that make my mouth water. The world would be a sad place if cookies didn’t exist.
- Potatoes. Baked and served with butter and sour cream, French fried, waffle cut, tater tots. Tots! So crispy and warm, dipped in ranch dressing or catsup.
- Chips. Have you tried Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream chips? You haven’t lived until you try them. And BBQ chips. For two years, I had BBQ chips and Diet Coke for breakfast, and I’m still alive.
- Ice cream. The food of the gods. Especially chocolate fudge with brownie bits and hot fudge sauce. With an artificially colored and enhanced cherry on top.
- Whipped cream out of a can. On the previously mentioned chocolaty goodness, and of course, straight from the nozzle into my gaping maw.
- And so much more. BRB. There’s a cookie with my name on it.
I could listen to all the people telling me how bad everything is, and die from the stress of worrying about each bite I take, or just enjoy life for the fleeting moments I get to live this time around.
We’re all going to die. It’s not as important how you die, as how you live. I choose to live a vibrant, lively, dangerous life full of bad decisions and questionable choices. That way, when I reach my final hours, I won’t lament about giving up so much in order to prolong my life, that I never lived at all.
This is a damned good cookie.
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IKEA, the store where you can buy reasonably priced stuff with weird names, prides itself on selling a lot of things nobody really needs to people who just buy stuff because it’s at IKEA. To test the limits of their customers’ ability to waste money, they have just released this black globe, and many people like me wonder why. Do you write on it with markers? Maybe, but it doesn’t say so. Is it just an apocalyptic scorched-earth representation? It doesn’t say that, either.
