Husband sent me a link this morning to a story on Mother Jones, titled: Are Cats Bad for the Environment? I’m really sick (and tired) of all the people who tell me I need to protect the environment, stop doing things I love to “save the planet,” and other stupidity. We can’t hurt the planet. It’s been around billions of years, and will be here long after we’re gone. She can pretty much take care of herself.

Here’s the chart that has me all riled up:

“Domestic cats, officially considered an invasive species, kill at least a hundred million birds in the US every year—dwarfing the number killed by wind turbines.” Since there are way fewer wind turbines than cats, this comparison is ridiculous. There are probably more cats than buildings, so in birds per cat, or birds per building, buildings are more efficient than cats at killing birds.

Oh, and I’m just getting started. Cats are the only organic thing on the list, and aren’t we supposed to be Pro-Organic? If you add up everything else on the list, which are all man made, man kills way more birds than cats do. The eventual solution? Get rid of everything man-made, and we’ll have plenty of birds to go around.

Don’t you dare blame my cat for any of this. The only time she caught anything living (a mouse), she put it on my bed so she could play with it. And not “play” in the “torture it for my amusement” normal cat way, but in the “oh, watch, it’s running all over the place, isn’t that interesting” sort of thing. If she needed to kill in order to eat, she’d starve. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why you always see cats hanging out in ruins. If they don’t have people to feed them, they let the building do the killing for them.

Because I love bullet points:

1. Cats are wild animals, who allow us to be their slaves. When left to their own devices, they show their true selves. Feral cats are just that: wild animals. And, organic. We already covered this.
2. Birds are pretty cool, but are they really that much more important than cats? Petting a cat is good for your blood pressure. Assuming, of course, the cat wants to be petted. There’s no corresponding research with birds, so my natural conclusion is that birds are not good for your blood pressure. High blood pressure kills, therefore, birds are evil.
3. After getting rid of cats, buildings will be next. Once the #1 killer is dead, bird lovers will work their way down the list until we’re all eating grubs and berries, and living in caves. No way am I giving up indoor plumbing for our feathered friends.
4. If we remove all threats to birds, will all birds be protected? Because, last time I checked, chickens and turkeys were birds, too. Just saying.

The only way to preserve life as we know it is to first save all the cats. Every last feral kitty out there. Protect the cats, or prepare to lose everything last shred of civilization you hold dear. It’s only a matter of time.